I Will Touch The Sky
by Jasmine 282
Summary: Logan's inner musings about life brought on by unexpected events involving Max.


**I Will Touch The Sky**

  
Disclaimer: *rolls on the floor, laughing hysterically then gets up and brushes off clothes, and looks at the audience calmly* I do not own them.   
  
Dedication: This is for Nikky, who has become such a good friend in the past few weeks. Our chats are endless and we talk everyday with each other. Together, we help each other through the day and laugh when we're just having the crappiest day. She has inspired me to write so much, and this story has come from her and our chats. Beyond writing fanfic though, she (and her husband) have helped me personally as I struggled with a personal issue. They gave me encouragement and helped me make my ultimate decision in the end. Thanks!!!   
  
Author's Note: Although what follows is something I have not experienced, several key points hit home. Through friends who have the same disability as I do, and through Nikky and her husband, I am much more comfortable with it and I'm taking charge of my life. Please realize that although I try my hardest to write as accurately as possible, I cannot ultimately capture the true feelings.   
  
Author's Note 2: Ok, so this isn't another chapter of Elysium...I'm sorry! But I had to write this a couple weeks ago and when Skye asked me which to beta first, I asked for this story versus Elysium.   
  
Timeframe: This takes place up to the very end of Art Attack. But before he regains feeling.   
  
Song: _Faith of the Heart_, by Rod Stewart, as heard in 'Patch Adams' soundtrack, and sung by Russell Watson in the Enterprise theme.   
  
  
_It's been a long road  
Getting from there to here  
It's been a long time  
But my time is finally near_  
  
My life changed in one day, but who's to say it was for the worse? Who says that my life is not the same as any other's? I still breathe, eat, and smile. Most importantly, I do have a reason to smile in my life. After all, I am still alive. Sure I was scared at first, but with any change, you adapt. Isn't that part of any life cycle and evolution? Something changes, and you learn to cope, to continue to live your life with the same purpose, the same goals.   
  
I am luckier than many other people in the world today. So I was dealt some bad cards, but not as bad as others. I'm coping, and I will live. I'm determined to keep going, to show everyone that I am capable, that I am still a person who deserves to live. They might think my life is short-changed and I am no longer complete. But what do they know? Are they living my life? No, I am - and I will do everything they think I can't.   
  
Lots of people are pessimistic today, but why look at the bad all the time? Look at the good and be happy with your life. Some things you can't change, so why dwell on them? People look at me in pity, but I just brush them off because I know better. I know that I am fine and I am living my life to the best that I can. Yes, there are changes in my life, and I have to do things differently, but I'm still doing them aren't I? I'm still here; I'm not six feet under so why give up on life?   
  
I have support; I am not alone. I am not afraid to ask for help, but I do not depend on it. I am still independent and that is the way I chose to live my life. I could rely on everyone but what's the point to that? That's showing everyone that they're right, that you are incomplete and can't do anything anymore. But I'm not, and I will never let them change my mind.   
  
My mother used to say, "The universe is right on schedule. Everything happens the way it's supposed to." So I guess this was meant to happen to me. These cards I was dealt were intended for me for some reason. I'm not sure of the reason, but I accept them and I will use them. I can't change the past and I can't undo what happened to me as a result, but I will not mope, and I will not scream in anger at the unfairness of the situation.   
  
Yes, there is blame to be had, but what kind of man am I if I exact revenge? There are selfish and callous people out in the world and I cannot change everyone. I cannot fix every problem. I can try, but I'm not perfect and the only way I can try and help is through peace, not war. I cannot go out and hurt everyone, or even just the person who hurt me. It's not right, and I have to believe it, not allowing any pity or anger to surface. I can privately blame him, I can privately grieve, but where will it take me? How would it help me now?   
  
In short, I'm happy with my life. I have a good life and I would never give it up. I have friends that care for me and I know they don't worry about my new life and they will never turn away because of it. I will make it, and I will persevere.   
  
_And I can feel the change in the wind right now  
Nothing's in my way  
And they're not gonna hold me down no more  
No, they're not gonna hold me down_  
  
No matter who you are, when you accomplish something you feel good, and you're happy with yourself. When you're paralyzed, every day is different, every day you just work to make things normal, you try not to think about it. In the end, every day is an accomplishment in itself. Especially at the beginning. Everyone's watching you, waiting to see if you fail. To see if you really are coping, if you need help, or to see you break down.   
  
It's been three months and I hope I'm showing everyone that I am fine, that I will continue to be fine. I've come a long way since that first day when I couldn't do anything. But right after an injury like that and surgery, who can? I'm independent now and I feel very proud of myself. I have shown them who I am, and what I can do. Please don't give me looks of pity. Please don't assume that I'm helpless. That's all I ask for.   
  
I'm continuing with my old life, I am going ahead with old goals, not backing down from them. A change in my life won't stop me from living it, won't stop me from working towards my goals. These goals might have been the cause of my new life, but nonetheless I will not give up on them. If I gave up, then I'd be showing the world that they're right, that I am helpless, that I am weak.   
  
Today though...today I saw that I wasn't just a man in a wheelchair. I saw that I meant more to someone. She came back. She came back to see me. She didn't know I had the information, but she came back. Sure she scoffed at my request and with her normal attitude, replied that she liked to walk, but I know she didn't mean to offend me. I know people are scared when they see me, they hope it never happens to them. I make them uncomfortable, reminding them that these things do happen to people, that they are not invincible. Wheelchairs remind people of hospitals, a place they rather not be.   
  
She may be genetically engineered and enhanced, but she is still human, with emotions - fear and love. And she needs them in return. She needs someone to care about her, someone to be there for her, and even if I'm just here to help her find her family, then that is what I'll do. And of course, throw in some food, conversation and some chess.   
  
It's a wonderful feeling when someone looks past your weaknesses, past the obvious and cares for you as a person. Every time she's around me, there's this air of excitement, this feeling, knowing that a person is with you because they want to be with you. I can't exactly describe it, but after losing friends because of the obvious, because of a little thing such as the ability to walk, or the sneers when you pass people, or even when family feigns ignorance around you, you crave the human contact with people who don't care, who see you as who you really are.   
  
Sometimes I think she can see right through me. She understands me like no one else. I wonder why I've never met someone like her before. Beyond the obvious that she's genetically engineered. Like the fact that she doesn't see me as a man in a chair, I don't see her as the soldier, the genetic freak that she thinks she is. But why is it now that I've finally met her? Was it all part of some plan in my life that I would meet her and I would be injured?   
  
I don't think I'll ever know, but it doesn't matter. She is here and that's all I care about.   
  
_Cause I've got faith of the heart  
I'm going where my heart will take me  
I've got faith to believe  
I can do anything  
I've got strength of the soul  
And no one's gonna bend or break me  
I can reach any star  
I've got faith  
I've got faith  
Faith of the heart_  
  
You know, I may not be able to run at the speed of light or jump high, but I know I can at least be there for Max when it comes to matters that genetic enhancements won't help. I don't like to think of myself just as the brains, but I know to appreciate it. I make myself useful instead of giving up, saying that because I can't walk, I can't help her. Even if it's money or connections that help her, I will use them gladly knowing I'm keeping her safe.   
  
People think that walking is such an important part of life, that without it, you're useless, that you're incomplete. I may have first thought that, but I have since turned around. I am still Logan Cale. I am still a human being, with a brain, with a conscience, and with a soul. I am still Eyes Only and I'm still helping people out. And all from my chair.   
  
Never tell a person that they're incomplete because of a disability. Deaf people don't think they're incomplete, they don't think they are even disabled or impaired. We all have our means of living. So what if we might live differently by means of getting around or even communicating? Don't assume anything about anyone.   
  
Although I feel bad that I can't be there for Max all the time, I know she doesn't mind. I know she appreciates what I do for her, and that in rough times she can depend on me. At first, a guy could feel inadequate around a girl like her, especially with her super strength and abilities, but who wouldn't want a special girl like her around? So she could kick a guy's butt any day, and a guy might feel that's wrong since they're supposed to be the strong protective male. At least I know she won't, nor can kick my butt! It's one positive aspect to sitting on my butt all day.   
  
So, I know I'm not leading a useless life; I'm not wasting my time. It gave me great pride helping out Max the other day when she was running away from Lydecker's men when she went to see Hannah. I may have been miles away, safe in my penthouse, but the only thing that saved her and Hannah was my technology, my interference with Lydecker and his men. Even coordinating Eric to go pick the two of them up. Max can handle herself, but some situations arise when even her strength is not the answer.   
  
A person can live without legs. A person can live without ears. A person can live without eyes. The only thing that matters is how you chose to live your life. You can face the challenges head on or you can give up and let it control you. I will not let it run my life, nor ruin it. I will not let the fact that my friend is stronger than me crush my spirit. I will take pride in who I am and what I can do instead.   
  
_It's been a long night  
Trying to find my way  
Been through the darkness  
Now I finally have my day  
And I will see my dream come alive at last  
I will touch the sky_  
  
There are some times when having no legs can get down on you. Sure, there are moments you wish for them or you think 'I could have done that..." but you move on. They happen all the time, from a place that's not accessible to something that someone forgot to put at a lower height. No one means any harm by it, but it gets old. And in our time, there are no regulations to help keep things accessible for everyone.   
  
Well, getting thrown off the top of a building is certainly one of those times when it hits you hard. Suddenly you're very aware you have no control, from the moment someone pushes you to the moment they grab you from the chair - you're powerless. Nothing is holding you up except for them, you are no longer in the chair. The very chair that usually gives you independence.   
  
Flying through the air is usually someone's dream. Be it in an airplane or flying like Superman. But flying with neither ability, and the knowledge that you'll go splat on the ground several stories down...it's frightening. Even if you weren't afraid of heights, like I am. Now I know in this situation, legs wouldn't help me land on the ground unharmed, but it gives you an enhanced sense of helplessness.   
  
Of course, if anyone else was in this situation, I doubt it would have ended like mine did. With a genetic friend who came flying down to catch my hand. Now, normally I like to do things myself, I shun away from excessive help, but in this case - I took it. Yeah, it's a stupid question, to take or not take her hand, but after you land in the chair, you want the freedom, the right to have things rest on your shoulders and not someone else's. But every now and then...you have to take the hand.   
  
_And they're not gonna hold me down no more  
No they're not gonna change my mind  
Cause I've got faith of the heart  
I'm going where my heart will take me  
I've got faith to believe  
I can do anything  
I've got strength of the soul  
And no one's gonna bend or break me  
I can reach any star  
I've got faith  
Faith of the heart_  
  
I almost lost my best friend. It was so hard to see her off, knowing I would never see her again. She offered to take me with her, but how could I explain that it just wasn't possible? I'll be honest; the chair would hamper her flight. I try not to let it affect my life, but I know it would affect hers. Escape and evade may be her forte, but it's not mine.   
  
It's not to say that I didn't want to go with her. In a few short months, I've grown so attached to her, that my life would be incomplete without her. You see, completeness of life does not come from a physical nature such as legs but the people you know and love. It's they who make the difference. A person cannot live without family and friends, or else it's a rather lonely, depressing life. Sure I can be a hermit and live up in my penthouse by myself, just living through contact over the computer, but it's not a life. It's giving up on yourself and others, acknowledging other people's opinions that you don't fit in.   
  
I also couldn't tell her about my own problems that kept me in Seattle. I've hidden from her what I shouldn't have. A month ago we found that we were alike, that we did have someone else to share things with. And here I couldn't tell her that things were bad, that I was about to have surgery. I suppose it was better of me not to tell her so she could be safe, so she could have the chance to get out of town and away from Lydecker. It still hurt though.   
  
The surgery itself scared me. There could be complications and who knows what would happen. Sam told me that I could lose more sensation and I had hoped that wouldn't happen. I may have accepted the loss of my legs, but I don't have much abdominal control and I value all the sensation and control that I do have. But I knew I had to go through with it or else more problems would occur. I wasn't exactly fond of losing my arm control as well. I don't think I could live that way.   
  
She kissed me when I dropped her off. I never expected it, but I will forever cherish it. I think at that point we knew how much we meant to each other. It was as hard for her to leave as it was for me to say goodbye. We knew she had to leave though; it was not safe for her to stay. So we fumbled through our goodbyes and she walked away.   
  
Little did I know that I wouldn't even make it to my surgery. I collapsed the night before and went into emergency surgery. I'm lucky Bling found me, or else I would have died. I almost died anyway, because of the lack of blood. I'm not really sure what happened next, but Max came back and saved me. I don't know how she knew I was in trouble, but she came back. She risked her life for mine, not just coming back and facing the police, but she also transfused me with her blood.   
  
I think we shared a dream, but with Max's carefully closed expression, I'm not sure. But I will never forget it. There we were, all dressed up and I was in my chair of course, yet it didn't matter. I stood up for her and we danced. I know it will never happen outside of my dreams, but I enjoyed that one moment with her, away from everyone, from the world. It was just the two of us, alone. And we danced...  
  
_I know the wind's so cold  
I've seen the darkest days  
But now the winds are free, are only winds of change  
I've been through the fire  
And I've been through the rain  
But I'll be fine_  
  
It's an amazing experience to be around people like yourself. Being with them is comfortable and it's very relaxed. No one worries about what other people think, or how to appear in front of them. Not that anyone should worry about it, but it happens to all of us. When you're a minority, you know you stick out, you know people stare and gawk at you. You may be no different in the whole scheme of things, but they don't know that.   
  
But another thing with being around them is enjoying everyday normal activities knowing they do it the same way you do. Even just talking about our common problems or grievances can be enjoying. Yet I find the most fun in doing something that I loved as a kid. Basketball. I may not be able to run up and down the court or perform a jump shot, but I still find it exciting to feel the ball in my hands as I work it down the court and play with the guys. When we make baskets, it's even better. So we may fall sometime, or tip over, but bumps and bruises come with every sport right? I am overcoming my obstacles and I am finding I can do anything I want to, anything I set my mind to.   
  
I won't let the chair get in the way of my life. I won't let it come between me and my chance at having a good, enjoyable life. I want to do things like everyone else. I want to play sports; I want to do it all. No one can tell me that I cannot do something or that something is out of my reach. If I wanted to climb Mt. Everest, I would find a way. Of course, my fear of heights would nix that in a second, but it's the thought. Just because I have wheels instead of legs, does not mean that I am incapable of doing anything, of living a life like everyone else.   
  
_Cause I've got faith of the heart  
I'm going where my heart will take me  
I've got faith to believe  
I can do anything  
I've got strength of the soul  
And no one's gonna bend or break me  
I can reach any star  
I've got faith  
Faith of the heart_  
  
I faced my relatives today. It was hard; I know they all look down at me. They all think I'm helpless, and that I can't take care of myself. Oh, I know they were all talking about me behind my back - I'm not stupid. It was fun though, because my cousin chose me as Best Man and that made my uncle very mad. In effect, it was a trump card for me.   
  
I brought Max with me and I loved showing her off. You see Uncle Jonas? I'm not all by myself; I do have friends!! I do have people who like me for me and don't care that I'm in a chair! They don't care about my money either, and I knew he assumed that's why Max was with me. So, they looked down on her, so they thought she was money-grubbing, but I knew she was there for me, and that's all that counts.   
  
But it was hard facing them all, especially the old friends, the old girlfriends...Daphne included. Through it all though...I smiled, I laughed, and I tried to have a good time. I tried to show them that I was doing fine, that I didn't need their pity. After all, wasn't I chosen as Best Man? Isn't that worth something?   
  
I was nervous about giving the speech though, with all their eyes on me. Max laughed at me, but she didn't know the pressure I had on me from the entire family waiting on me to mess up. She saved me again, when I realized that I didn't have the paper where I'd written my speech down and she mouthed it to me. What would I do without her?   
  
I find my feelings toward her growing, and I wonder where they'll lead. I see what she's done for me, coming here and playing the social lady. She knows she's not their type, but goes along with everything I say. So I have to fib about her background so we wouldn't have an all-out war started if they realized she wasn't of a wealthy bloodline. Yet she kept her cool and even shoved some things back at my uncle. I was so proud of her that night.   
  
Tonight I faced a hard battle, seeing my family again, enduring their looks and stares. I have come a long way in the past year, and I won this battle. My only battle left is with Max. What is to come, I don't know, but I can only hope.   
  
_I'm going where my heart will take me  
I've got faith to believe  
And no one's gonna bend or break me  
I can reach any star  
Cause I've got faith  
Cause I've got faith  
Faith of the heart  
  
It's been a long road_  
  
  



End file.
